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historymakerklm
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Name: Kristi
Country: United States
State: Tennessee
Metro: Nashville
Birthday: 4/9/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: Sports- Basketball, tennis, football, racquet ball, scuba diving, water skiing, snow skiing.....
Music- Listening, buying, playing, writting, singing
Sleeping- as many naps as possible
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/30/2005
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| I kid you not, the day that I write and post my last blog entry "Finding Myself" I start reading a book called Inside Out and he is writting about THE EXACT same thing that I wrote in my blog. He elaborates in 300 pages what I said in 2 and I want to share some of what he said.
He talks about how modern Christianity markets itself as a relief from pain and how that turns into a huge problem. Christianity and Jesus are not about making everything better. he says that the message we are sending is that a deeper surrender to the Spirit's power promises bliss now and complete satisfaction.
And then what he says about this is so critical "THE EFFECT OF SUCH TEACHING IS TO DULL THE PAINFUL REALITY OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE AS PART OF AN IMPERFECT, AND SOMETIMES EVIL WORLD."
This might get a bit lenghty but I would encourage you to read it b/c it is life changing.
"Beneath the surface of eeryone's life, especially the more mature, is an ache that will not go away. it can be ignored, disguised, mislabeled, or submerged by a torrent of activitiy, but it will not disappear. and for good reason. we were designed to enjoy a better world than this. and until that better world comes along we will groan for what we do not have. an aching soul is evidence not of neurosis or spiritual immaturity, but of realism."
"The experience of groaning, however, is precisely what modern Christinaity so often tries to help us escape. the gospel of healhty and wealth appeasls to our legitimate longing for relief by skipping over the call to endure suffering. faith becomes the means not to learning contentment regardless of circumstances, but rather to rearranging one's circumstances to provide more comfort."
"They tell us more knowledge, more commitment, more giving, more prayer will eliminate our need to struggle with deeply felt realities. yet there is no escape from an aching soul, only denial of it. (Crap thats powerful) The promise of one day being with Jesus in a perfect world is the Christians only hope for complete relief. UNTIL THEN WE EITHER GROAN OR PRETEND WE DON'T."
I will stop here for fear that if I go on you will quit reading but I write this b/c I feel like I'm dying and I know that I'm not the only one. For years I couldn't put my finger on the "depression" that would seem to pop up off and on and now I realize that its my dis-satisfcation living a life that I wasn't created to live. It's really my longing for wholeness and the ache of not being whole.
I write this b/c i want us to be honest with our selves and truly grapple with our hurts, pains, longings, and frustrations. "There's no cure if you're not sure that you have a problem." I long for us to admit our struggles to each other and then begin to find our healing together.... | | |
| In this honest moment of reflection my body suffers-
I can feel it in every fiber of my being
My heart, soul, and mind ache because of this emptiness-this hole
I feel fear because of the overwhelming emotions of an emptiness that I
can’t seem to satisfy.
My body shakes and is chilled at the core
I’m searching for what will stop this craving
My entire being is longing for a deep and fulfilling intimacy and I can feel that I was created for wholeness but I am not whole….
And I am feeling the effects of this tension….
Why do we run to a quick fix when we begin to feel this way
Why have I waited for 23 years to stare this down
To not run would require us to actually feel these overwhelming feelings
which would require us to deal with things the hard way.
We would have to actually feel the damaging effects of our sinful
brokenness long enough to heal
We would have too feel and think long enough to understand the true
depth of what we are feeling and then to be willing to admit that
there is no such thing as a quick and easy fill We would have to be willing
to admit that the things we’ve tried thus far have only satisfied us for a moment
and that the emptiness is still there haunting us and driving us yet again to
search for what will fill us and give us meaning
We might actually have to face the reason behind the pain
rather than suppress the emptiness and fear as we “search in all the wrong places”
for something that will fill the void
If we didn’t run to the next temporary moment of pleasure but rather
bucked up and let the emptiness speak
What might it tell us…
As I make myself truly feel this in order to deal with it I find myself confused
and then depression which turns into fear of feeling like this forever
Surrounded by the devastating realization that everything I’ve lived for have been only momentary satisfactions which have disappeared and left me
Speechless
Restless
Confused
Overwhelmed
I’ve spent my whole life trying to feed my emptiness
Only to find out I’ve been feeding it with things that by nature fade
And leave the emptiness all the more distressing
But now things are becoming clear
Here in this moment my eyes are being opened
I feel as though truth is being revealed….
My spirit is calling out to it’s creator
The emptiness is the “God shaped hole in all of us” that he created me with
He made me in such a way that I had to find my identity outside of myself
He put a longing in me so that in response to the longing I would
look to Him and long for Him
The Spirit in me can not be at peace and will continue to
search until it is engaged in constant fellowship with its creator-
the only one who can satisfy
Now I finally see, now I understand
The emptiness no longer brings fear of an unsatisfied life
It no longer pushes me to all that the world tries to offer as a response
Now it gently whispers to me telling me that the feeling is not only good but from God because it is there encouraging me and pushing me away from what fades and towards the true and lasting source of satisfaction
The emptiness no longer scares me but has become my reminder
It no longer haunts me when my friends, my job, my significant other,
or my ministry leave me still longing
Now it is God’s gentle reminder to me to stop
and re-focus
to remember this truth
To be reminded that it is only in him that I will become whole and satisfied
I am reminded to focus my energy and pursuit into His lasting fullness instead of a black hole that continuously leaves me just as empty as before
Temporary satisfaction no longer appeals to me for I now see it for what it is
I desire the process of wholeness
But that’s just it-
Satisfaction and wholeness aren’t a one time event
It is a process
A relationship where I’m always building, growing, and knowing more
The hole and void is becoming smaller as it is being filled with Him who does not fade nor leave me empty
I am not whole and I still feel the longing
For I will not be made completely whole or find complete rest
And satisfaction until the end in His Presence
But as for now I find solace in the truth and
In the fact that I am in the processing of becoming
More whole than ever before
I am finding myself….
In Him
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| Well I'm trying to get back to updating my xanga at least every so often. see here's the thing- I journal every day on my comp journal but it is typically AT LEAST 2 pages and 2 pages makes for a pretty long xanga entry. In other words you would probably check my xanga site and see all the writting and then be overwhelmed and just go check your email instead. :)
Anyway, today was a really nice day...Kayla was in town for less than 48 hours and wanted me to take her to the lake so the two of us and Katie went out on the water for a little girls day at the lake. It was beautiful and relaxing, but we forgot sunscreen and we all got burnt.
I leave for camp Monday! I guess thats the biggest news in my life. I"m leaving my life in Dallas...everything I know and all my relationships (even my long distance phone relationships) and heading off to camp for 4 weeks of practically no communication with my regular life. I don't mind leaving but I don't like being without my cell and w/o being able to keep in touch with all my friends, but I am getting excited about camp.
So anyway, don't expect to hear from me for awhile, but I'll try and update here when I get back!
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